Three months and seven days after Rich's death, I fill out a form. Single, married, divorced, widow/widower.
My hand automatically moves to the second box.
My eyes look up, blurry. On the table in front of me is the last anniversary card (our 31st) from Rich. It was May and he was in the hospital recovering from his fifth and last surgery, but made sure of the card before leaving home. Two figures are in the foreground, holding hands, heading down a long road...on the road of life, there's no one else I'd rather have beside me than you! is written inside. Love always, Rich.
Looking at the scene, with so many miles still in it, with his promise of love always (and Rich couldn't lie), how is it possible that I'm now a "widow"? That Rich is no longer in the picture? That I grab for his hand, his face, all of him, and find only my heart, cut and drained?
Damn it to hell. I check the last box. I'm a widow, no doubt; from the Indo-European root, "be empty."
I don't know of any sure cure for repairing the heart. I don't know what will fill the vacant space.
So I eat grief. Not to become what I eat, but to experience the miracle of transforming bagels and wine and cheese into memories not of what was lost, but of what will remain.
Candace
Hello dearheart... I'd follow you anywhere, and I hope always (however much always we're granted...)
ReplyDeletelove, Sarah
My dear Candace, In German, "Witwe" is widow. and Widower is Witwer. Interesting how close the old english and the German are.
ReplyDeleteWe all move through many status positions in life. Everyone has been, at some point, in the single box. And some are fortunate to go into the married box. and others end up later in the "divorced" box, and yet others "empty"- witwe. Widowed. What's more interesting than the precise legal status is what you feel at the moment. Do you feel married? Feel single? Divorced people certainly can still feel married or even widowed. And we there at the end of the scale, no longer in the married box, eventually might even some time feel back in box 1: single. Never again a blank book to be written upon anew but somehow turning to a new page within the well-written book.
I love your new site. Thanks for keeping us together this way.