growing up

A Happy New Year to all. Somewhere, in the waning days of a year wandering in fog, I lost the thread of this blog. I was trying to move forward without knowing my starting point, without having sure footing. Nothing unusual in this, I know; if we waited for firm ground and fixed direction, we never would have left the womb.


What I realized I needed most was this: To Grow Up. And I'm not speaking of my battles with the IRS and hospital bills and other mundane matters. It is in a way I am reluctant to admit, but some lessons of the past two months have finally hit home.


Living with Rich, I assumed everyone was good, honest, trustworthy. Well, maybe not. I wasn't that stupid. Let me re-phrase. Everyone was not good, but that didn't matter. Rich was the antidote to whatever evil was in the world. And if something bad happened -- it happened. That wasn't the way of my world. That wasn't the norm. No sleep lost, no lessons learned.


Now I am suspicious. Of new relationships, of repair men, of any offer that seems too good to be true. So far, no serious wounds, only my loss of innocence. I don't like this way of existing. It doesn't come naturally to me, and in my heart -- the place where Rich permanently dwells -- this doesn't feel right. I fear I am losing my core belief, my knowing that this world is perfect. All we need to do peel away some of the nasty pieces, but can I do this without becoming entangled in them?


The adventure continues.


Candace